255 days ago our daughter Abigail was born. 248 days ago she went to be with Jesus. We have had trials, we have lost many people, but we never knew there was pain that could cut so incredibly deep. I am usually a pretty private person but have been convicted to share not only her story but our walk of grief. Some days it is completely crippling - we want to be with our baby so bad. Somedays we can smile at the happy moments we were blessed to have with her. Every day, we have to intentionally set our eyes on Jesus. There is no way we could make it through this pain without Him.
Yesterday was a milestone. I did not realize what it was until early evening last night but all day I had a subtle smile and an unexplainable joy. I was happy. It was the first day since my baby was promoted to glory that I was actually happy. The depth of gratitude to the Lord is deeper than the pain. He is so faithful. But grief comes as unpredictable waves that hit you when you least expect it.
After devotions and prayer last night, one of my boys began to bitterly wept. Bitterly. He cried out for his siter over and over again. His pain was so deep. Tim and I felt it and, as his parents, it is a whole different part of the grieving process to see your children in such pain. But the Lord in His faithfulness prepared us – we all wept with him. It is healing to let it out - but we cannot stay in that place. We all intentionally began sharing about the ways the Lord has carried us through, the promises that are ahead, the comfort He provides that is ever present.
I recently had coffee with another mom in a similar situation. We discussed our search to find how joy and grief can coexist because the truth is the pain will never leave. Years from now we will weep as though it just happened. But I am convinced now, they can coexist. Today, I woke up happy again. We will continue to be strengthened by the Lord because we intentionally choose to be. He is always faithful, but we must choose Him. So today and every day to come, do that – choose Him, Jesus.